The year was 1985 and I was 17 years old. I missed my period and let my boyfriend know and he told his mom. I was sooo frightened to tell my parents. A little back story here. I had another boyfriend before this one and my parents found out we were having sex and they made us break up.  I was incredibly worried the same thing would happen again with this young man I was so in love with. So with that in the back of my mind and the paralyzing fear of what might happen if I was pregnant,  I made a decision I regret now still to this day.

My boyfriend’s mom took me to a place to get a pregnancy test. There is no other way to describe the place other than it was dark and unfriendly. The young lady who performed my test was abbreviated in her instructions. After the test, she said  “yes…you are pregnant and here are your options” as she put a piece of paper on the desk with abortion and adoption referrals. There was no warmth in her actions, or in the way she conveyed the results. I was in shock, scared, and completely numb.

And I remained that way over the next couple of weeks. My boyfriend’s mom, I will call B, took me and my boyfriend, I will call D, to an abortion provider for counseling. I remember being in a room with the counselor and B and D.  We watched a movie on how abortion is completed, and it talked about how the procedure would open my cervix, and remove the “contents of the uterus”. It said there would be some cramping involved. A pelvic exam came next to determine how far along I was. No ultrasound was performed.  They felt my uterus and told me I was about 6 weeks or so. I remember being so happy to be that early. I had read somewhere that babies could feel pain around 8 weeks and thought my baby will not feel anything. The counselor then asked B and D to leave so she could talk to me after I made that statement about the baby. She clarified with me that this is what I wanted to do, and also did tell me to talk to my parents.  I shut that down very quickly and said no… I cannot tell them and I need to do this, so afraid to rock the boat.  So she sent me for blood work and we scheduled the procedure for what I think was a couple of days later.  But since my mind was in such a state of panic, I have just vague memories of some aspects of that time.

The day of the procedure they took me back by myself while D and B stayed in the waiting room. I remember seeing my counselor from a couple of days ago, and she came up to me and said “you look familiar”.   I was so devastated by her reaction because we had just spent so much time together and I felt like she knew me…and my young heart  just felt so broken. She came into the room with me and they put me on the bed and put my legs into stirrups. The doctor came in and said absolutely nothing. He had a mask on so I could not even see his face.  There was an assistant in there too. He came right over to me, sat on the stool and started going about his work. He never described what he was going to do. He gave me a shot with no warning or explanation in my cervix to numb the area, and then went about placing the dilators into my cervix.  He did it so quickly and I am sure the numbing medicine did not have a chance to take effect. The dilators are simple metal rods that gradually get bigger with each one they use, forcing your cervix open so that he could place the vacuum suction catheter inside my uterus. Then I heard the machine switch on.

It was so excruciatingly painful and the cramps were worse  than anything I had ever felt.  I know I was crying out in pain. The counselor lady held my hand and encouraged me that it was almost over. I do not remember moving from the bed to recovery room which was  large with about 12  recliners. I remember turning to the girl next to me and said that was so painful, and she agreed. There were women crying and just generally in pain. Then after there was a good sized group of us, they went over our instructions together. They gave us a medicine and we were told not to take on an empty stomach. We had maybe been given a cracker or drink after, but no real food and I  immediately threw that up. They gave us other medicines to take, not really sure what kind they were. This was my first medical procedure without a trusted adult with me and I was just so lost.

That night I stayed at B’s boyfriend’s apartment. She had made up an excuse for my parents that we were going out of town to visit her brother over in Illinois. When we got back there it was like all the fog of the last couple of weeks just lifted and the realization of what I had just done flooded in and I was just devastated and started crying and asking all the questions I could not find my voice to say before that fateful day. The really sad thing was I knew what abortion was and I knew it was wrong and ended my baby’s life. But I was just in such panic I could not think clearly.  I just wanted out and then I had to live with the regret. Oh I so missed that baby, and still do to this day. So many “what if’s” and all those first moments I never experienced with that child. Was the baby a boy or a girl? What color eyes and hair? Never was I able to hold that baby’s hand, or rock him or her.

The relationship with D did not last.  We were together for a couple more years, but it was never the same, as I was never the same again. There was a wound to my heart that did not heal for at least 20 years. I started going to a little Baptist Church and received Christ as my Savior; but even after that I could not believe He could forgive my sin. How could God forgive a murderer. And I was sure there was no hope for me. I thought my sin was too big for Him. One day my pastor in passing stated, I cannot stand it when people do not believe God can forgive their sins.  It is like saying what Jesus did on the cross was not good enough. And then a little chip was made into the wall I had built around my heart at this time of my life. I have gone on to work through a healing with a Bible study called Surrendering the Secret. I read a book called “Her Choice to Heal” by Sydna Masse. I am currently the Ultrasound RN at Hand N Hand and I cannot express the healing that has come from helping other scared moms during their crisis pregnancies.

Abortion hurts so incredibly bad! It is not the answer to an unplanned pregnancy.  It is not a liberating or a quick answer. It may seem like it at the time.  I know right now you are in  panic mode and cannot think clearly. I pray you will talk to others that have been in your shoes and how much they truly wish they could go back and change their minds. Abortion is forever, and no matter how much you deeply long to change what you have done, you cannot!